Our Experience Eating Out

Last night Kalyn and I were starving after going to the gym so we decided to go out to dinner.  It's been a long time since we've been on a date.  Although we were bringing our little guy with us, we still consider it a date.  This is the story of why you should get a babysitter when you want to go on a date.

We arrive at Applebee's and Rex is calm as can be.  I just fed him before we left, but we were silly to think he didn't know when his bedtime was (even after the daily fight to actually go to sleep at 8). We were seated and Rex began to fuss before we even got our appetizer.  I was starting to think we might not make it.  I took him to the restroom where I was relieved to find that after two days of not pooping (we just started him on solids) he finally had.

A diaper change only calmed him for about 3 seconds after I sat down.  I had to hold him while I ate.  He was momentarily distracted by the baby girl at the next table over.  This gave me time to get at least half my food down before I heard the noise that no parent wants to hear during a dinner out: a poop bomb exploding out of their child's bum.  It didn't stop there.  He kept going every 30 seconds or so for the next couple minutes.  A wet spot was appearing on his back.

Now we knew we had to get out of there, because he can't stand being wet for more than a minute.  We asked for some boxes for the rest of our food and the check.  While we were waiting Rex decided to yell to the whole restaurant about who-knows-what.  He has just discovered recently that he can use vocals and I think he likes hearing himself talk.  He was yelling the only word he knows: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa... aaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaa."

Putting him back in his car seat made him scream and that's when I felt like everyone around us was staring with that look of "control your child."  I have a feeling that he is going to embarrass me very often, but at the same time it will be one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  He'll make me laugh.  He sure is developing some personality.

Monsters in My Room Last Night

Last night Rex finally slept for more than 3 hours at a time.  Instead of waking up at midnight with that feeling that it was going to be another long night of frequent wake-ups I blessedly got to sleep until 2am.  This being said, I actually fell into a deep sleep for a while.  At 2:01am I woke in a pitch black room to the sound of sucking.  My first thought was, "Oh my gosh! There is a monster in my room and it is taking a taste of my baby!"  However, sense returned to me as I woke up a little more and realized that Rex was simply awake, sucking very enthusiastically on his fist.  Hoping he would roll over and go back to sleep, but knowing he probably would just wake me up pretty soon, I drifted back to sleep.

At 2:05am I was startled awake again by another frightening sound.  "Oh my heck! There is a pterodactyl in my room!" Oh wait... it was just the baby again.  When he is happy he makes this squealing noise that sounds an awful lot like a hungry dinosaur.  With heavy eyelids I again decided to fall asleep, even though I knew that noise meant the little guy was fully awake.  

Again, at 2:07am, I woke to a little baby whimper.  It was the quiet cry that is a warning before he decides I need a little more prompting to get out of bed and go get him.  The one before he yells.  Finally, I left my bed and walked over to Rex's crib.  In the dark I saw a wad of blankets and baby in the corner, but couldn't tell where his head was, so I felt around.  Somehow he had gone from the middle of the crib to the corner with his feet in the corner.  His butt was almost all the way into the corner as well, with his legs sticking up above him.  He was wiggling around, trying to escape.  Luckily I was there to rescue him, and with a feeding and some cuddles we both fell right back to sleep.

My Health Experiment

I mentioned in the post before this that I just experienced my second UTI in a row.  It also happens to be the second one I've ever had n my life.  So why would I suddenly get two back to back?  Well I would love to tell you, but I'm not a doctor and there are so many reasons that could happen and so many ways you can get one that there isn't really a way of knowing for sure.  However, after feeling a second one coming on I decided to do some research, because although a 7-day course of antibiotics seemed to zap the infection pretty quickly the first time, I wondered if it really went away entirely or if I had an altogether new infection.  I already knew the basics of how antibiotics work.  They kill bacteria causing the infection.  My research brought me to many opinions of people who believe that antibiotics aren't necessarily good for you, because while killing the "bad" bacteria in your body it also can kill the "good" bacteria.  Having lower amounts of bacteria your body depends on for a time after taking antibiotics can actually weaken your system's defenses against getting another infection.  

Of course there is research both for and against this theory, so who knows whether it's true or not.  Again, I am no doctor.  I did think that it was worth a try to take probiotics instead though. Probiotics do exactly the opposite of antibiotics (if you didn't already work that out for yourself).  They increase the amounts of "good" bacteria because they are made from live cultures that can help fight off an infection.  You can buy probiotics at most health stores.  I happen to work for a wellness company that sells probiotics.  Lucky me, because they can be kind of expensive.

I made a deal with myself that if the infection didn't clear out within a couple of days or got rapidly worse than I would go to the doctor.  The first infection I got had been so bad that I was peeing blood, so I knew this time it had some time to go before reaching that point.  After two days of taking the probiotics and drinking mass amounts of water I hadn't improved or gotten worse.  I thought about going to the doctor, but then realized that I had let my couple days go into the weekend.  My doctor's office was closed.  Oops!  Since it wasn't worse I decided to stick the weekend out.  But guess what! By Monday I was actually feeling better.  It took until today for me to feel like it was completely healed, but it worked out.  

So my conclusion to this little experiment is that antibiotics seem to work much faster, but the probiotics worked too.  Certainly if I got a bad infection I would go to a doctor, but there are ways to take care of ourselves from home too.  It's important to use good judgement.  I have often had the mindset that I can't afford going to the doctor much.  It's expensive sometimes!  However, I have also learned that no matter how much anxiety it causes me to go, there are times when it is important to see a professional.  For example if you are bleeding badly and need to get stitched up, break a bone, are so sick that you can't heal on your own, or in some cases when you have a feeling that something is very wrong.  Follow your instincts.  

My mom worked in a profession for several years that teaches people to have an awareness of their body.  Did you know that just by slowing down and paying close attention to how you feel on a regular basis you can heal yourself?  The reason for that being that you can feel when something you do feels better or worse.  Plus, you learn to use your body more efficiently.  This can keep you healthier and help you to know when something feels really different.  My challenge to you is to take just a little time each day to be aware of how you are feeling; physically and mentally.  The more you pay attention, the easier it will get to solve problems, because you won't spend as much time trying to figure out the source. 

My Health Goals

I am currently enjoying my second UTI (urinary tract infection) in a row. What a joy! It takes something as natural and ordinary as peeing and turns it into something you dread because it's painful.  On top of that, it makes you have to pee about twenty times more often than usual and much more difficult to hold it in.  Sorry if this is too much information, but just imagine going throughout your daily activities and having to take a break every half hour at a minimum to go pee.  Yeah... not the most efficient of time for me.  However I have to marvel a little at how the body knows how to heal itself.  My body senses the infection and turns my bladder into overdrive to get it out.  It's like getting a high fever to kill a virus or getting a scab to protect the new skin that is forming underneath it.  Our bodies are miracles!

This is why I am amazed that so many people (myself included at times) put take this gift from God and abuse it so horribly.  Some go as far as using drugs that research has proven can cause severe brain damage with a single use. My weakness is sugar-loading.  I have a sweet tooth that can be compared to the hulk.  One of my goals, as I mentioned in the post before this is to cut down on my sugar intake.  The difference between this time and other tries is that I actually told people that I was doing it.  That way my people-pleasing self kicks in when I am eyeing that dessert and want it so badly, and I can't take it because people would know I am failing at my diet already.

I am having some success so far though! My rules are that I can't have any dessert except for one a week only IF there is some sort of occasion such as a party, dinner with friends, etc.  If there are two occasions I can only have dessert at one.  No candy or anything related to it (like fruit snacks or things made of pure sugar) are allowed either.  My diet is going until Christmas.  By then the sugar cravings should have depleted severely and that is my goal for when to get back to almost my pre-pregnancy weight again.  After only a week and a half of cutting back junk food I have lost almost 3 pounds. Hooray!

Of course diet must come with exercise.  I have very low amount of physical endurance right now. I think less than I have ever had in my entire life, which frustrates me very much most of the time.  So most days I just go on a walk.  This week I hope to add some strength training into it too so that when I run it won't feel as horrible.

Seven more weeks of this to go! I know I can do it, but it sure isn't easy.  I have to lose almost two pounds a week and my goal will be met. I can't wait to fit into my pants and skirts again.

Reaching My Goals

One thing that really makes me sad is when mothers decide their life is over when they have children.  Granted, it sure does change your life, but it certainly doesn't end it.  I often hear people say, "I didn't like doing any of the things I did before anyways.  I'm glad to give it all up for my child," or something to that effect.  Please know that having a baby does not mean you have to give up the things you love! When Rex was first born I had to feed him at least once every hour, because (as the pediatrician told me) some kids are just eaters.  I had one of them.  I thought many times to myself that I would never be able to do anything if half of every hour out of the day was spent feeding this child.  He is just over three months old now and I am starting to feel much better about the situation.  Sometimes he takes three hour naps or just stays content on the floor watching my cook for a while.  He doesn't cry every time I put him in his car seat and he loves going on walks or runs in his stroller with me.  I'm discovering that I can still have a life!

My goals are to conquer my bad eating habits by learning self control, start my online business finally, exercise daily so that my body gets back into shape, and keep the house cleaner.  I've been able to work on all of this and although right now it's a little overwhelming and requires me to step out of my comfort zone in many ways, I am starting to feel better physically and emotionally.  I want to feel accomplished.  Being a mother can do that, but if I don't know how to do these things for myself how can I teach my children to do the same.

The best way to teach is by example.  I have always pictured my kids as healthy, active, and happy children.  If I want them to do that, I have to show them how.  This is what I plan on doing.

Me and Kalyn went to Utah this weekend to visit family.  My brother-in-law offered me a piece of candy and I told him no thanks, because I was on a low-sugar diet.  He thought I was kidding.  I have to admit, it sounds a little bit weird for me to be the type of person to go on a diet, but I want to be healthy and have the energy to chase Rex around when he starts crawling and walking.  I know I can reach my goals and am excited to finally set my mind to something and do it.

Does Nobody Read Anymore?

Let's face it. Everyone has pet peeves; those things that really irritate you.  Some people hate the sound of fingernails scratching a hard surface, or people who don't make eye contact, or elbows on the table, or people reading over their shoulder. Personally I think it's gross to leave the toilet seat up.  Particularly when both seats are up. Who wants to look at that anyways?

Today I want to discuss how irritating it is that nobody reads anymore.  This leads to more work for everyone.  Remember those people you hate working with because they always did a slop-job the first time they did anything so you or someone else had to redo it later? I've met some people like that lately simply because they don't read.  For example:

The other day I saw an ad my friend had posted on a Facebook group that is used as an online "garage sale."  It had a picture of a leather jacket with a caption that went something like, "large authentic leather jacket, $40."  The first comment on the photo read, "Size? price?" followed by another one that said, "ditto" to the person above.  Duh people! Did you not read the very clear caption above the picture?!

Just a couple days later I posted  on the school ride board saying that we were driving down to Provo and had one or two extra seats if anyone wanted to join.  They would just have to pay $20 in gas each way and we were leaving Friday after my husband got off of work.   The first response back to the post was a text with the questions, "is it $20 round trip?" and "Are you leaving Thursday evening?"  I wanted to respond to the person, "Dear human, You do have eyes right?  You must since you read my phone number off the ride board. So use them to read the ENTIRE THING!"

It's a waste of time for everyone when you have to repeat every piece of information just because people don't want to read your entire ad.  I really hope our generation has not really become that lazy or confused.  I hope that both of those people were up all  night studying or taking care of a baby and their vision has blurred from exhaustion and their brain is mixing up everything they see.  Otherwise they really just were too lazy to read one or two sentences of simple English, and that terrifies me for the sake of our country.

Image, and Why it's Important

I gave Kalyn a ride to class this morning and we had the conversation as follows (as I pulled around a car dropping off a student and a boy was walking in front of it):

Kalyn: "Watch out for that thing!"
Me: "That thing?!" 
Kalyn: "Yeah. No human could wear jeans that tight."

This was proceeded by a lot of laughter, but after I dropped him off I started paying attention to what people were wearing and I thought half the students looked like they were gangster-wannabes or punk rockers on the side.  I think image is an interesting topic these days.  There are the "people of Walmart" people who clearly don't care what they look like at all.  They claim that they are free because they do whatever they want and don't give a rip.  Then there are those people who you swear must take three hours getting ready every morning and carry around an image emergency kit everywhere, because they never even have a hair out of place.  Those are the ones who constantly check themselves out in mirrors and windows because they are so obsessed with how they look. They often go on outrageous diets and work out enough to be 2% body fat.

I think both those kinds of people are a bit out of control.  Especially if you are thinking of a career out in the world.  In the professional world, whether we like it or not, image matters.  If you had the choice between shopping for groceries at a store with greasy employees, who smelled like BO and clearly never brushed their teeth, OR a store where the employees were clean, had cute smiles, and looked put-together, which would you choose?  Now that's an extreme example, but I make my point.

It's my opinion that we should look like we take care of ourselves and value the body that God gave us.  He compares the body to a temple; one of the most clean and sacred things on Earth.  However, this brings me to another point.

We should never go overboard.  My belief is that God wants us to be confident in ourselves, and everyone has a different way of feeling that way.  We need to have balance though.  My way is by working out.  If I feel physically strong, meet my goals as far as improving my mile time or my distance, and keep myself clean by showering and doing my hair, then I feel good about myself.  When I feel good about myself I am more productive.  I am more useful to people around me.

I take pride in the fact that I am not ashamed when I go out in public without makeup or think I have to work out for three hours to look good.  However, I also take pride in taking care of myself the best I can so that I don't feel like a slob.  I value my body as if it is a gift from God.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I eat too much junk food and feel crummy.  Sometimes I go far too long without exercise or miss a shower (especially now that I have a baby).  I do put in an effort though.

All I can say, is that there is value in taking care of yourself, and your outside image often reflects how you feel about yourself.

Hands

Today as I was feeding Rex, I was also drinking a protein shake from a blender bottle.  I noticed that every time I took a drink he would stop drinking to watch. After a few times I decided he was simply too distracted and curious so I showed him the bottle.  His eyes got very round and he sort of patted it in that twitchy, clumsy way babies do when they don't know how to use their hands properly yet. I had to laugh at how fascinated he was with something I look at every day and find pretty unremarkable.

The things he is the most interested in right now are his hands.  He's gone from moving them around keeping his fingers straight and flat, to actually bending them, interlocking them, and sticking them in his mouth.  When I put an object in front of him he often tries to touch it.  Also, I find he doesn't get into fits of rage due to hunger nearly as quickly if there is a lot going on around him, because there is so much to look at.

On Monday we took him with us when we played volleyball.  He sat in his car seat next to Kalyn's mom while we played with his visiting siblings and a few friends and family members here at school with us.  It took a long time for him to cry, because there was so much noise in the gym, and he was looking around at all the movement.  I think if everyone were as curious as a baby, we would all be a lot happier and a lot smarter.

A Baby's Perspective

So, I've been thinking about how amazing, and also how scary life must be as a baby.  Things that we take for granted are a lot bigger deal to them.  After watching my little one learning to do things as simple as build strength to hold his head up, respond to and recognize noises, and smile back at people, I can't help but wonder how other people lose that ability as they get older.  Have you met those people who just never smile back no matter how sincere yours is?  It's not worth letting ourselves become so miserable.  One thing that has changed in my life since having a baby is that I feel like nearly everything is celebration worthy.  Life becomes a little like this:

Oh look! Rex just smiled in his sleep!

Oh look! Now he can do it when he's awake!

Oh my heck! Do you see how well he holds his head up?!

Wow wow wow! He just lifted his head during tummy time!!!

This kid just rolled over! I have never been so excited!

How ecstatic am I? He slept 7 hours last night.

...etc, etc.  When you celebrate things that small you start thinking everything is sort of awesome.  Your though process looks more like this:

Oh look! I got the dishes done!

Oh look! I even had time to fold some laundry AND put it away!

Oh my heck! Do you see how well I stayed on task today?

Wow wow wow! Dinner is ready before Kalyn gets home from work!

This girl just went running again! I have never been so excited!

How ecstatic am I? I just slept 7 hours last night :)

Basically, I have realized that even though life is hard sometimes, there is a lot worth celebrating.  I've had a few pretty dramatic days over the last couple weeks due to some health issues, but each time everything turned out fine.  In fact, being so terrified and having my sweet, growing family to give me love, prayers, and support, I feel better than I have in a while. I love being a mommy.

How I See Myself as a Woman

Saturday and Sunday were General Conference weekend, one of my favorite things to listen to. For those who don't know what that is, it is a time our church takes twice a year to listen to our modern day prophet, apostles, and other leaders.  They give us reminders to what we could be doing better as a church and individually, and each time I listen I receive insight and inspiration as to how I can become a better person.  If you want to listen to some of it yourself here is the link to each speaker from every session: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2013/10?cid=HPFR100413105&lang=eng

There have been some women in the church lately that have been upset, because they are not able to be ordained with the Priesthood.  The Priesthood is the power of God, and when boys become a certain age they have the opportunity to receive this wonderful gift that our Heavenly Father has given us.  I can see why this is becoming an issue right now as opposed to fifty years ago.  Women are told these days that they can do it all: go to college, have a successful career, keep their house spotless, look stunning every day, stay thin, and be a mother all at the same time.  I don't think there is anything wrong with working as a mother.  Sometimes people have to.  Furthermore, I think it's great that women have so many opportunities to get an education and even start a career.

However,women being angry that men receive the Priesthood while they can't shows me that they don't fully understand how it works; they just want to have everything men do.  Let me explain my understanding of the roles of women in families, because I feel like God made it that way for a reason.

Women are very loved by God.  They have a huge responsibility in their lives.  Women have the opportunity to be mothers.  These days, even couples who struggle to have children have medical technology to help them, or adoption programs.  Even people who never have the opportunity to have children of their own can be a "mother figure" to someone.  God values this role so much that he gave it to us.  He trusts us to nurture the next generation and love them.

Men were simply given a different role, not a lesser one, nor one that women need to try to take over. Today I was talking to Kalyn about all the women who are protesting, and this idea came to me:

Men want to be needed.  It is in their nature to want to take care of women.  Maybe God wants men to hold the Priesthood so they have more opportunities to help us.  When I ask Kalyn for a blessing or treat him as the patriarch of our home, then I show him the kind of respect that can strengthen our marriage.  Women may not be ordained in the Priesthood, but they exercise God's power through men whenever they need it.  They can do this through a husband, brother, father, uncle, grandfather, home teacher, etc.  I have come to the conclusion that God gave us different roles and we are meant to respect those roles, and each other, and God (along with His decisions.  He is God, after all).  If women spent less time being bitter about the role they were given and more time embracing it, they might realize that God really does know what he is doing.  It's a matter of faith.  We need to trust that He made things this way for a reason, perhaps many reasons.  I love my God, and am so grateful that he made me a woman.  I am so blessed.

A few talks this conference specifically speak about a woman's role and why men receive the Priesthood.  That is why I am so grateful to belong to this church, where we have modern-day revelation from a Prophet of God.  Sometimes, as humans, we need a little reminder of what our goal is on Earth: to be with God again.

Hard, Happy Days

The last couple days have been a bit exhausting for me.  I worked three days in a row, early in the morning (getting up at 5am is not ideal for me... 8 sounds much nicer!).  I was looking forward to a restful weekend, but Kalyn got a nasty cold, and a few errands needed to be run.  Saturday turned out to be slightly less of a break than I anticipated.  However, there is always Sunday! Thank goodness for Sundays.  It was stake conference, so church was an hour shorter than usual.  I was happy about that since I had to go by myself.  Kalyn was still sick.  I did get some rest, but I also started getting that weird feeling in my throat, nose, and head that you get when a cold is coming on.  I was catching Kalyn's cold just in time for an early start on Monday morning (today), followed by a six-hour shift.  I was feeling a little bit hopeless because I desperately just wanted to sleep.

Among all this exhaustion the Lord sent me a few tender mercies.  I found a babysitter with ease.  Rex beat his record of hours of sleep a night: 7 hours one night!  I know how rare that is for a two-month-old.  I tried on the next smallest pair of pre-pregnancy pants that my legs didn't even fit into last time I tried putting them on and they actually fit.  Then, on Sunday night Rex rolled from his tummy to his back on his own for the first, second, and third time in his life.  I am so proud :) All I can say, is that I am prepared for a tough semester (even though I am not in school), but I can get through it with a smile because among all that is hard there are such happy things happening too.

Blessings

I am feeling extremely blessed right now, and very humbled.  I wanted to write about it and share more about how being a mother has helped me grow.  I have only been a mother for two short months, but in that time I have been humbled a lot.  A couple weeks ago we moved into a new apartment.  A new home means changing ward boundaries, unfortunately (or maybe it will be fortunate too).  I was just becoming very comfortable where I was, and as the Lord often does when people are comfortable, He threw a few growth opportunities at me.  I won't call them trials, because I can't say my baby boy is all trial.  He is mostly blessing.  When he was born I was given a dose of reality of how much help I really would need.  For one thing, I could hardly move on my own when I first got out of the hospital due to the third-degree tears.  My mom was there to help make sure our apartment didn't become a trash dump and to keep me from being insanely overwhelmed every time Kalyn went to work.  Some people brought us meals.  Others volunteered to babysit when I was desperate to find someone while I went to work.  I couldn't pay any of them, because of our tight college-student budget, but they all were willing.  In fact most of them told me thank you for letting them watch him! Ha! I wasn't expecting that since they were the ones helping me out.

Then came the time to move.  With a month and a half old baby this took about six times longer than it should have.  In fact we took several days to finish everything.  A few people helped us clean and even more came to help us move.  I don't know how I would've gotten it done on my own.  Then we had to unpack our new apartment (which I am still finishing...).  Let's just say I was feeling drained at that point and I, again, felt like it would be impossible to finish everything.  Then Kalyn called his mom, who agreed to come help us babysit while I attempted to unpack.  It was good timing, because between the stress of working and moving and finding babysitters among the usual stresses, I got sick.  I think it was mastitis.  I had just under a 101 degree fever and was completely useless for a day and a half.

All that calmed down for about a week before we realized that school was about to start.  I am not in school this semester, but Kalyn is, and that means less hours of work for him, and more for me.  Again, finding babysitters became a problem.  Being in a new ward, I was worried to death about finding people who would be willing to watch Rex, especially since I couldn't hardly pay them.  A couple of posts later on Facebook I found myself not with one babysitter for the semester, but five girls who were willing to do it.  I can't even put into words how that made me feel.  Some weird mixture of relief and discomfort.

Asking for help has always been something I struggle with.  I don't like to do it.  God has given me a huge lesson on how important it is to take care of other people.  Everyone needs something!  I have been thinking more and more about how little I have done for others and know I need to change that.  I have set myself a goal to help people as much as I can.  It might not be a lot right now, because of how much I need help myself, but I know there are opportunities everywhere.  I'll be looking.  I really believe that God is looking after little me.

My First Mommy Terror

I had my first moment of absolute terror as a mother tonight.  It had been one of those days where I felt really exhausted and wanted to sleep desperately, but the baby won't fall asleep.  I was hungry, because I had been trying to coax him to sleep for about two hours.  Finally, I laid down next to him on the couch, nursing him until he was asleep.  I got up and left him there while I stuck the now-very-crispy-and-dried-out toast in the microwave.  I figured if I toasted it for the third time it wouldn't be edible anymore.  Just as I opened the microwave to take it back out, I heard a little "thunk!"  I turned to the source of the noise and saw my little boy (previously on the couch) on the floor.  He had landed on top of our laptop.  It took about two seconds for me to run and grab him off the floor.  When I picked him up his face was frozen in a yelling expression.  There was no noise coming out, but his face had turned bright red.  His whole body seemed frozen and ridged.  I was freaking out.  I pulled him close to me and finally there was noise, but it didn't help me feel any better, because it was the worst sound I've ever heard.  It was real screaming.  Not the "I'm hungry/poopy/want to be held" scream.  I paced back and forth for a few minutes trying to calm him down and when I finally pulled him away from me I saw a snotty, tear-smeared, drooly face that had left it's mark all over my shirt.  It didn't take long for me to be distracted from this though as he had a mark on his forhead where he must have bumped it on the computer.  I can't even describe how horrible I felt.  When Kalyn came home from work about a half hour later I still felt so bad that when he looked in my face he could tell I was upset.  I started crying and scooted close to him on the couch.  That's when he saw our little guy's first wound.  "What happened to his head?" I told him what happened and was given a few sweet words about how no harm was done, the baby was okay, and he wouldn't hate me.  I still feel horrible, but I know he's right too.  I suppose a lot of moms freak out like that when their babies get hurt.  I'm sure I'll have to get used to kissing boo-boos since I have a little boy.  I just have to learn to not cry every time he gets hurt.

Dear Mom and Dad

This is a message to my wonderful parents, because after only six weeks of being a mother myself I have a whole new appreciation for them and anyone else out there who is a mother or father.

Dear Mom and Dad,
If I take a moment to think of the hardest thing I have ever done it would probably be when I ran my first marathon when I had fallen behind on training.  I couldn't move afterwards because I was hurting so much and my friend had to carry me to the car to drive me and Kalyn home.  That isn't the hardest thing I have ever done anymore.  Being a mom is.  Don't get me wrong, I love it! Looking down at the tiny little guy in my arms makes me glow with pride because he is my son.  However, when people told me that being a parent was hard it didn't exactly sink in.  I was picturing the getting up at night, the messy house, the millions of diaper changes a day, the getting peed and thrown up on, and much more.  What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional part of it.  I have never been so exhausted in my life.  I feel so lazy when my husband gets home from work and it is actually messier than when he left instead of cleaned up.  When I change little Rex's diaper I sit back down with him and he immediately fills it back up.  I have twice as much laundry to do because if the baby doesn't manage to get it messy then I spill all over myself and whatever I'm sitting on just so that I can get a few bites to eat.  I have to do everything one handed now, and have never felt clumsier than I do now.  When I go to the store everyone stares at me trying to calm my screaming baby who wants to be fed right NOW!  I can't go anywhere at all without hauling a diaper bag and car seat and wiggly baby.

Through all of this though, I have also learned the meaning of service, because I have been on the receiving end a lot lately.  The happiness I feel when I watch Rex learning to smile makes up for all the crying.  I feel closer to my husband as we work as a team.  And the craziness I go through everyday is teaching me patience and endurance.  The more I go through with this little baby, the more grateful I am you two went through it for me.  If you hadn't gotten up a thousand times in the middle of the night for us, hauled us back and forth every place you went, cleaned up after our messes, and still loved us, then I wouldn't have learned how to do that for my baby.  So thank you for teaching me how to love a child.  I love you so much and appreciate all you did when I didn't know how to do it for myself.

Love,
Ashley

The Scoop on Rex Walker

Hello friends!  I am happy to say that on Monday, I delivered a healthy baby boy!  I thought I would tell the story for those who are interested, but I warn you that this could be long.  It is just a really big deal and it was an incredible experience for me.  Anyone who has had a child or seen one born can relate.  Here is the scoop:

On Sunday night I called my doctor to see if I was going to have an induction appointment for Monday or would have to wait until Tuesday.  She said I was good to go for Monday at 7am, so Kalyn and I made sure to have everything packed and ready to go.  We cleaned up the house and laid down for bed at a reasonable time since we would be up early for an exhausting day.  We had no idea how early or how exhausting at the time, but it was a little hard to sleep.  We were just too excited to finally have our little guy in our arms!

Just before 2:00 am I woke up to pee (a very common occurrence when pregnant), but when I laid down to go back to sleep I noticed that I was starting to feel like I had cramps.  Not small ones either.  I couldn't sleep through it.  Then I realized they were coming and going in regular(ish) intervals every few minutes.  I thought, "Holy cow! I think I'm going into labor!" but I waited an hour before waking Kalyn up, because doctors like you to have contractions for about that long before going to the hospital.  When it became a little too painful for me I leaned over and kissed him on the check and asked, "Are you awake?"  He woke up and I explained what was going on. He told me he thought that might happen.  So up we got and headed to the hospital.

By the end of the half hour drive I was starting to feel a little sick.  We had to enter the hospital through the ER, because the main entrance was closed at that time of night.  The receptionists there checked me in.  After a couple minutes of giving her my information, I told her I felt like I was going to throw up.  It must have taken her less than 2 seconds to get a barf bag into my hands.  I suppose if you worked in the ER you would have to have barf bags on hand all the time. She got me checked in while a nurse from labor and delivery came to get me.

I got changed into a hospital gown and tried to make myself comfortable until the anesthesiologist came to give me an epidural.  I was already dilated to 3 cm.  Kalyn and I noticed one of the charts that was posted on the wall.  It had a bunch of circles labeled "1 cm, 2 cm, 4 cm, 6 cm, 8 cm, 10 cm."  Every time a nurse came in to check how far I had dilated Kalyn pointed to a circle on the chart.  Luckily I was numb from the waist down, so I wasn't cranky about it and could laugh instead.  My contractions started slowing down a little bit again after I had the epidural, so I was given some Pitocin to speed them back up.

I was surprised how quickly the next few hours passed.  A nurse came to check on me a little bit before 11 am and said, "Let's check how far you're dilated, just for fun.  You probably haven't moved a lot yet."  But to her surprise, I was already at 10 cm.  She went to get the doctor.  I was told to expect about an hour of pushing since it was my first baby, but I surprised them again.  He was born about a half hour later.  They lifted my newborn son onto my belly while they rubbed him clean and dry with towels.  I remember trying to comprehend that this beautiful baby boy had just come out of me.  He was mine.  I touched his head and looked at Kalyn.  I think we were both tearing up a little bit.  I was able to hold him for a while before they took him across the room to weigh and measure him.

It wasn't until later that I found out that I had 3rd degree tearing.  On the very last push I tor all the way from the vagina to the rectum.  Even when the feeling came back to my legs (when the epidural started wearing off) I felt pretty good, so I told the nurse I wanted to wait on taking any strong pain medications.  I stuck to  only a large dose of ibuprofen.

The first time I got up to go to the bathroom, however, I was feeling pretty ill.  The nurse helped me to the bathroom and told me to pull the red cord on the wall if I needed help.  I think I was in there less than a minute before I started feeling like I was going to pass out.  A mixture of all the blood in the toilet, the massive changes in hormones, and the exhaustion were getting to me.  I was able, with help from Kalyn and a nurse, to get back into my bed, but I was shaking a lot.  Let me just say, I should have taken the pain meds when they were offered.  By the time it was the middle of that night, I couldn't sleep because I was in so much pain.  With some prodding from Kalyn to do so, I finally asked for some pain medication.  It took a long time to start working.  Kalyn must have been exhausted, because he fell asleep quickly.  I laid there for 45 minutes trying to sleep, but gave up.  I reached over next to me and touched Kalyn's arm to wake him up.  I asked him for a tissue, but the real reason I woke him up was because I was sobbing and needed a good cuddle to calm me down.  He made me feel better a lot faster than the medication, because I was finally able to sleep.

The next few days were a blur of visiting family and friends who came to show us their love and support.  We got to share with them our new little addition.  We love him so much already and are so excited to raise him.  God has trusted us with one of His children and I'm so happy about it!

Pregnancy Updates: Now 6 Days Late

I remember visiting my cousin several weeks ago and me and Kalyn pointed out to her that if our baby came one day late his birthday would be exactly between our birthdays.  She told him not to wish that on me, because I would really be ready to be done with being pregnant by then and a day late would be like torture.  Well, here I am six days past due.  Tomorrow will mark a full week, and I know exactly what she means now.  The other day when my husband was leaving for work I looked at him and he stopped for a second, because he saw that I had that look in my eyes.  The one that is really easy to hide from anyone else that I am holding back tears.  He picks up on it pretty quickly though, so he asked how I was doing and then it sort of started spilling over.  I told him I was just tired of being pregnant.  He understood, because he has been there with me the whole time and knows how uncomfortable I've been.  I think he felt bad having to leave for work right then when I was sad like that.

Luckily, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning to get some tests done on our little guy to see how he was doing.  They did an ultrasound to check the fluid level in the uterus first, because low fluid can mean that it's becoming a less ideal environment for him in there.  The ultrasound tech made an estimate on the baby's weight, but before telling me the weight she said, "Well, these things aren't necessarily accurate.  I think this is off, because there is no way you have an 8-pound baby in there!"  This was a reference to how small I still look at past 40 weeks of pregnancy (although I feel huge and have stretch marks, so any bigger would possibly kill me).

After the ultrasound I got hooked up to two monitors to do a fetal stress test.  For anyone who doesn't know how that works, I got put in a recliner chair with my feet up (cozy!) with one monitor strapped to my belly to keep track of the baby's heart rate.  A second one is strapped to the top of my belly to keep track of contractions.  I was given a button on a wire that I was supposed to click every time I felt the baby move.  Of course, after all the jabbing and shifting that he was doing while I was in the waiting room, he took this very moment to take a nap.  After ten minutes of the test, a nurse came in and put a device on my belly that vibrates hard and made him jump pretty violently against the other side of me.  He definitely woke up and moved for me after that.  He passed the tests with flying colors, and everything was going perfectly with him so far.  That brought me a lot of relief, but also made me wonder if they would make me wait longer before inducing me.

I had nothing to worry about.  They decided that I was safe waiting through the weekend since he wasn't distressed at all, but said they would put me on a waiting list for Monday and if nothing opened up I would have an appointment for Tuesday.  This meant one thing to me: if I'm not in labor on my own by Tuesday, I will be put into labor anyways.  Therefore, I have an end in sight!  I could have cried I was so happy.  Having an exact day in mind as the end helps my emotional state so much.  I think of it the way I though of a cross country race.  When I was in cross country I knew where the finish line was, so when the end was coming I could push a little harder.  Now, that I see the end of the pregnancy I can feel peaceful and just enjoy the time I have to sit, read, watch a movie, and go get Italian ice with my husband.

Patience Lessons

Well, I am due to have a baby today, and so far nothing has happened except for a little nausea this morning that I haven't been able to shake.  It's at the point where everyone that knows me asks me, "What are you doing here?" when I show up to anything, because they know I should be in the hospital.  My husband tried leaning down and having a talk with my belly last night that went something like, "Baby, why don't you just come out already?"  I hope I am not one of those women who goes two weeks past their due date.  How do people live with that much anticipation?!  I guess we will find out if Kalyn's little "talk" with our little guy sunk in at all if I go into labor today.

I guess it comes down to God's timing, not ours.  It's one of those little tests of patience I am being given.  I remember a time when I was asked to speak in church in my home ward on patience, and about a month or two later when I went back to school I was asked to speak in church on the same topic again in that ward too.  I ad one of those moments where I had a talk with God saying, "I am sorry, Lord.  I must be getting into some very impatient habits, and I will try to do better."  I must be needing that humbling message again.  I definitely am being reminded that the Lord's timing is not my own.  Besides, what difference does it make if I have him today or in a week?  That will give me more time to get the apartment cleaned up, and a few more days to spend quietly with my wonderful husband.

Mushy (Future) Mommy Stuff

I am so excited to have this little guy out of my womb and into my arms.  I spend a lot of time daydreaming about being able to bend over again, buckle my own sandals, lay on my tummy, take a nap and wake up energized (at least for a little while), take my sweet baby on walks, and many more things.  Don't get me wrong, I know babies are a lot of hard work too.  I do foresee many house chores being left undone for a little too long, interrupted sleep patterns, lugging around a bag stuffed full of things Baby needs, my body doing really weird (and disgusting) things, and more to go along with it.  I feel sure that if I have a sense of humor about all the gross things though, I'll be okay.  I am 38 weeks and 4 days along right now.  I'm starting to get those comments from people that go something like, "You're still here?"  All i can say is, "Tell me about it!"  I wouldn't mind finishing out this week at work though.  My supervisor finally caught up to me in my hiding spot at work and put me into enrollments training (I work at a call center).  I need to spend ten hours training before I can be let out of the practice zone (we call it "the nest") and am able to sit back with my team again.  It would be nice to finish training.  I don't want to start over again!  

I suppose that when it comes down to it, it isn't up to me when I go into labor.  These are some of the ways that being pregnant has prepared me for motherhood:

1. I have been pregnant for what feels like so long that I don't feel any fear of labor pains, because I want him to be on my outside and not my inside so badly now.

2. I have learned that sometimes I just don't have the energy to do the dishes, hang up the laundry, clean/dust/vacuum the entire apartment, organize the cupboards, and dust.  In fact a lot of times I don't have energy to do one or two of those things, and that's okay.  My husband doesn't think I am a horrible wife if I don't have dinner cooked and fresh out of the oven every time he gets home from work. He understands that I am exhausted. I imagine I will have similar feelings of guilt at not getting everything done when I am taking care of a new baby, who will demand most of my time and energy.

3.  I've learned that I cannot fix every character flaw of mine and become the future "perfect" mother in the last nine months, and I probably never will be a perfect mother, but with a lot of help from other mothers, my husband, and especially God, I can be the best mother that I can be.  

4. It's okay to cry.  When I was growing up I rarely cried.  With pure will-power I could keep tears from flowing at any time or place.  Then I went to college and something snapped in me that made tears a lot harder to hold back.  I've had a lot of practice just letting the dam break since becoming pregnant.  I had already become more sensitive, but hormones sure do help it become slightly more public than I would like.  I have found that crying actually makes me feel a lot better though.  If I let it out it's like the stress is literally flowing out of me.  Then I wipe my "stress" onto a tissue and throw it away.

5. Let's address body image for a second.  I know I have been really lucky.  I have had very little swelling, most of my weight gain has been in the belly where baby is living, and I really have not been very sick since my first trimester.  However, my body has definitely changed.  I have spent much of the last several years as an athlete.  I'm used to having a lean, thin, and overall pretty muscular body.  It's been really tough dealing with how weak I feel all the time.  I hate the ugly stretch marks I have been rubbing lotion all over every day so they will fade faster.  I hate how my buns and thighs get that "cottage cheese" look when I am in certain positions because my muscle has gone all soft and squishy.  I really hate how my skin has erupted in blemishes too. I definitely remember my skin getting much less zitty when the weather warms up and the sun comes out in past years.  Not this time.  

However, I can get past all of these things because I am successfully carrying my son.  I love him with all of my heart even though I have never even laid eyes on his face.  Whenever I feel him move I am filled with joy, because he is alive and one little jab closer to delivery day.  Besides, when he is in my arms I will be jabbing him back all the time.  I don't know how I'll be able to stop touching his tiny hands and feet or stroking his cheeks when he's born!  Let's just say, I am about to be the happiest woman in the world.  

Never Been So Tired in my Life

Today has been one of those pregnant roller coasters.  I think I might be getting sick, but if not then I still feel really ill.  My legs ache my head, nose, and throat feel weird.  Plus I am super tired (even more than usual).  I tried to give myself a pep talk earlier that didn't work out so well.  If someone listened to my thoughts they probably would have sounded something like this:
"Don't worry, girl, you've only got about 8 weeks left until you have a baby and start feeling a little better.  Well, actually only like 7 and a half.  Hey, 6 weeks at most if he comes a little early.  That's only between like 42-53 more days!  Unless you are overdue.  Then it could be like 10 weeks.  Then you'll feel like this for ten whole weeks.  Crap.  I can't do it that long.  I feel like I'm dying. TeN mOrE wEeKs?!?! Ahhhh!!!"

Let's just say the pep talk wasn't working out so well. I just have to settle with not thinking about how much I have left to go and focus on resting my tired body. I think I will go take a bath now.

My Growing Baby Bump

This morning my husband was teasing me about something I said a few weeks ago.  I had told him that I didn't understand why pregnant women complained about the constant jabbing and poking they felt like it hurt a ton.  Boy, am I eating my words now.  I find myself  walking somewhere when all of the sudden some baby extremity gets shoved up to the front of my already stretched belly.  I gasp, sort of tilt myself to that side and rub that spot with my hand, trying to get the little guy to loosen his grip a little.  Hello 31 weeks pregnant! According to the book I am reading (What to Expect When Expecting), he is approximately 18 inches long by now from head to foot with a weight of at least three pounds. No wonder those kicks are getting stronger.

Don't get me wrong, I really don't mind all the pokes and jabs. Every time I feel him move in me, I know he is alive and getting stronger.  It is the most comforting kind of discomfort I have ever experienced.  I am taking a pregnancy class right now in school and a week ago the topic of miscarriage came up.  There were stories of losing babies at nearly every stage of development, including at the very end of pregnancy when everything had gone well so far.  I can't imagine the pain of carrying a baby for as long as I have, or longer (or even shorter periods of time for that matter), and losing them.  By now my brain is filled with baby thoughts.  What he will look like, what it will feel like to finally have him in my arms, my reaction to the first time I see him smile, reading to him, taking him to the store or on walks.  I could go on forever, but I will save everyone the long blog post.

The hardest thing lately has been how exhausted I am all the time.  I could spend the whole day on the couch and still feel as if I ran a marathon by the end of the day.  This says a lot, because I actually have run a marathon and I have never been so tired in my life... Well, at least until now, because I am running a 40-week-long marathon.  Growing a baby is harder work than I ever expected it to be.

Lucky for me, I have a sweet husband.  He doesn't hate me if I couldn't get the apartment spotless by the time he is home from work, because he can look at my face and know I have been tired all day.  He sees me trying to move (which requires a lot more grunting than it did before) and knows that it is getting harder for me.  Last night I said something along the lines of, "I hate being so tired all the time."  He looked me in the face and said, "Don't ever regret carrying my baby! I'm so happy you are carrying my baby."  I have decided that he is right.  Despite how tired I am I try to do as much as I can still.  If anything, it helps me sleep a lot better through the night.  God really did give us the power of procreation because he loves us.  I cannot think of any experience I have ever had in my life where I felt closer to Heaven than being pregnant.

My Tooth and Something Sticky: An Unexpected Encounter (Plus a Rant About Money)

So last night I was munching on some Jello Popcorn.  For those who don't know what that is or think it sounds gross, it is basically candy-coated popcorn.  You simply mix some butter, sugar, corn syrup, and a package of Jello mix, boil it for a minute and pour it over popcorn.  Then you stir it up and let it cool and wah la! You have a delicious, unhealthy snack.

 Anyways, I was munching on some of this strawberry amazing-ness and listening to my husband tell me a story when all of the sudden my tongue was being poked.  Thinking I had sticky popcorn kernel residue in my teeth I attempted to dislodge it with my tongue only to discover there was nothing there.  And by nothing I mean there was a gaping hole in my bottom left molar.  I ran to the bathroom and pulled back my cheek.  To my horror, I was right.  An old filling had been popped right out of my tooth by that sticky yummy stuff! There was a huge gap right in the side of my poor tooth.

Here is the lucky part about this whole thing:  I am not in pain.  If it had been a deeper filling I probably would have spent the next 24 hours crying, because it was Sunday and dentist offices aren't usually open Sundays (especially in Rexburg, Mormon town).  Plus, I am limited on what pain medications I could take since I'm pregnant. No ibuprofen! I still wanted to cry though.  Not because of the hole in my tooth.  It's in the back of my mouth, so no one would be able to see it.  The power steering on our car just went out though, and I lost a job that gave me about ten hours of work a week.  Money is a little tighter until my sweet husband starts working full time in a couple of weeks, and fixing a tooth is expensive.  Explain this logic to me: getting one little tooth fixed will cost us about the same as getting our car fixed, which probably weights several hundred pounds. I just don't get it, although if I was a dentist, I would probably charge that much too.  They have to pay off dental school somehow, don't they? I will consider it a generous donation that slightly murders my wallet.

On the upside, I have a wonderful husband that calms me down and tells me I am worth the money of getting my tooth fixed.  I really don't know what I would do without him.  I don't think he even knows 80% of the things he does to make me feel about ten-times better than I would have without him there.  On an entirely different topic from teeth, but on the note of money, I was thinking about how finances is one of the things studies say can tear a marriage to shreds.  I haven't been married for very long, but I can see why it is such a big problem for so many people.  I have learned though, that if you don't blame a tight budget on your spouse and recognize where they are trying hard, it makes everything better and allows you to love them even more instead of getting angry.  I am the one who got laid off recently, but my husband has never blamed me for it.  In fact, I think he was happy, because now I am home when he gets off work.  I am happier because I have more time to reach my own goals such as doing more artwork (to sell once I have made enough of it), playing my flute again, cleaning the apartment so it's not trashed every time we get home. I've also noticed that on days when I am exhausted from trying to work my other jobs he feels guilty that I have to work at all.  I honestly think he would be happy if I could stay at home with the baby and keep the house clean and paint.  I certainly would love that! Sometimes he apologizes to me that I have to work.  That really surprised me, because my first thought it usually, "Holy cow, I should be doing so much more than I am doing to help our finances."  I really am blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life.

Well, I Have Some News

So, I realize it has been a very long time since I have written in this blog, and most of the reason is because I have been keeping a secret.  Anyone who knows me very well knows that I am horrible at keeping secrets when it is my own to tell.  So this is a post meant to fill in the stories of the last couple of months that have kept my mind very occupied.  You see, my husband and I are expecting a baby this July!  And, let me tell you (especially if you have never been pregnant before), pregnancy fills your whole brain, kicking out many other things in life.  It doesn't happen on purpose, and I expect it differs between people.  However in my case it has been hard to focus on things such as school, or work, or writing in a blog when your mind is filled with a constant stream of thoughts such as, "Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up," or "Every smell around me is disgusting and it is making me want to throw up," or "I feel extremely weird right now and part of me wants to cry, but I'm not really sure why."  Have you ever heard of that show, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant?"  Well, I have no idea how you can miss it.  Strange things happen to you when those extra hormones get pumped into your system.  Here are a few stories from the beginning of my pregnancy:

My first lesson about morning sickness is that in my case it lasted not just in the morning.  It was morning, afternoon, evening, night sickness.  Basically I always felt horrible.  By now I have learned that when you are morning sick you absolutely cannot treat the nausea the way you treat stomach flu.  And by this I mean you need to keep eating and drinking.  No matter how horrible you feel.  The first few weeks of pregnancy I felt nothing worse than a little queasiness.  However, around the end of week six I started feeling worse.  Of course the natural instinct of anyone when they feel like they are going to throw up is to wait for their stomach to calm down before eating anything.  However, after a couple days of eating very little and drinking much less than I should I woke up one morning around 5 am and started throwing up.  After the fourth or fifth time in about three hours I started to feel worried.  I was seriously afraid that I was killing the baby inside of me.  Around noon I had stopped throwing up, but still felt so sick and was in so much pain I felt like I was literally dying.  I asked my husband to take me to the doctor.  I will add that I had to be feeling pretty bad to ask for a doctor, since I get horrible anxiety at doctors offices.  We arrived at the ER where they pumped me with fluids and Zofran (a pregnancy-safe drug for nausea).  When I left I was given a prescription for more Zofran and am happy to say that I need it rarely anymore, although I needed it almost every day at that time just to get food in me.  I have lost about 7 pounds since becoming pregnant and only gained back two.

Another story for you:  I went to my sister's wedding in Utah where my husband and I stayed a couple nights with my brother and sister-in-law.  Kalyn and I had to sleep on a twin-sized air mattress, because that was all my parents had available to us at the time.  After one squished night on that thing, Kalyn suggested we sleep on the couch instead.  I decided we should stay on the mattress, because a couch is not much bigger.  This was a lucky thing, because around 4 am, I woke up for soon-to-be-explained reasons.  Kalyn was stirring and I was feeling very cold.  The more conscious I became, the more I realized that the reason I was cold was that I was also wet.  I reached my hand down and felt my pants.  They were wet.  I could smell the urine.  "Kalyn, I'm wet," I said, because I had no idea what else to say.  "Yeah, I noticed that," he replied.  He never once made me feel embarrassed.  He simply got up with me and helped me clean everything up.  I was worried that I was losing bladder control at 8 weeks, but luckily it hasn't happened again.