This morning my husband was teasing me about something I said a few weeks ago. I had told him that I didn't understand why pregnant women complained about the constant jabbing and poking they felt like it hurt a ton. Boy, am I eating my words now. I find myself walking somewhere when all of the sudden some baby extremity gets shoved up to the front of my already stretched belly. I gasp, sort of tilt myself to that side and rub that spot with my hand, trying to get the little guy to loosen his grip a little. Hello 31 weeks pregnant! According to the book I am reading (What to Expect When Expecting), he is approximately 18 inches long by now from head to foot with a weight of at least three pounds. No wonder those kicks are getting stronger.
Don't get me wrong, I really don't mind all the pokes and jabs. Every time I feel him move in me, I know he is alive and getting stronger. It is the most comforting kind of discomfort I have ever experienced. I am taking a pregnancy class right now in school and a week ago the topic of miscarriage came up. There were stories of losing babies at nearly every stage of development, including at the very end of pregnancy when everything had gone well so far. I can't imagine the pain of carrying a baby for as long as I have, or longer (or even shorter periods of time for that matter), and losing them. By now my brain is filled with baby thoughts. What he will look like, what it will feel like to finally have him in my arms, my reaction to the first time I see him smile, reading to him, taking him to the store or on walks. I could go on forever, but I will save everyone the long blog post.
The hardest thing lately has been how exhausted I am all the time. I could spend the whole day on the couch and still feel as if I ran a marathon by the end of the day. This says a lot, because I actually have run a marathon and I have never been so tired in my life... Well, at least until now, because I am running a 40-week-long marathon. Growing a baby is harder work than I ever expected it to be.
Lucky for me, I have a sweet husband. He doesn't hate me if I couldn't get the apartment spotless by the time he is home from work, because he can look at my face and know I have been tired all day. He sees me trying to move (which requires a lot more grunting than it did before) and knows that it is getting harder for me. Last night I said something along the lines of, "I hate being so tired all the time." He looked me in the face and said, "Don't ever regret carrying my baby! I'm so happy you are carrying my baby." I have decided that he is right. Despite how tired I am I try to do as much as I can still. If anything, it helps me sleep a lot better through the night. God really did give us the power of procreation because he loves us. I cannot think of any experience I have ever had in my life where I felt closer to Heaven than being pregnant.
Love you, Smiling Green Frog. As you go along, you can imagine the loss when Daniel died at birth with no warning. When you lose them and people say, "you can have another one," ...not really helpful. You love this little being so much already. You have already been with them for a long time. :) Being pregnant consumes you (in a good way)...it's great preparation for being a parent, which also is consuming. God was so wise in having this process be the way that it is. Hang in there. It's worth it. My baby can blog now. :) And she's good at it.
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