Mushy (Future) Mommy Stuff

I am so excited to have this little guy out of my womb and into my arms.  I spend a lot of time daydreaming about being able to bend over again, buckle my own sandals, lay on my tummy, take a nap and wake up energized (at least for a little while), take my sweet baby on walks, and many more things.  Don't get me wrong, I know babies are a lot of hard work too.  I do foresee many house chores being left undone for a little too long, interrupted sleep patterns, lugging around a bag stuffed full of things Baby needs, my body doing really weird (and disgusting) things, and more to go along with it.  I feel sure that if I have a sense of humor about all the gross things though, I'll be okay.  I am 38 weeks and 4 days along right now.  I'm starting to get those comments from people that go something like, "You're still here?"  All i can say is, "Tell me about it!"  I wouldn't mind finishing out this week at work though.  My supervisor finally caught up to me in my hiding spot at work and put me into enrollments training (I work at a call center).  I need to spend ten hours training before I can be let out of the practice zone (we call it "the nest") and am able to sit back with my team again.  It would be nice to finish training.  I don't want to start over again!  

I suppose that when it comes down to it, it isn't up to me when I go into labor.  These are some of the ways that being pregnant has prepared me for motherhood:

1. I have been pregnant for what feels like so long that I don't feel any fear of labor pains, because I want him to be on my outside and not my inside so badly now.

2. I have learned that sometimes I just don't have the energy to do the dishes, hang up the laundry, clean/dust/vacuum the entire apartment, organize the cupboards, and dust.  In fact a lot of times I don't have energy to do one or two of those things, and that's okay.  My husband doesn't think I am a horrible wife if I don't have dinner cooked and fresh out of the oven every time he gets home from work. He understands that I am exhausted. I imagine I will have similar feelings of guilt at not getting everything done when I am taking care of a new baby, who will demand most of my time and energy.

3.  I've learned that I cannot fix every character flaw of mine and become the future "perfect" mother in the last nine months, and I probably never will be a perfect mother, but with a lot of help from other mothers, my husband, and especially God, I can be the best mother that I can be.  

4. It's okay to cry.  When I was growing up I rarely cried.  With pure will-power I could keep tears from flowing at any time or place.  Then I went to college and something snapped in me that made tears a lot harder to hold back.  I've had a lot of practice just letting the dam break since becoming pregnant.  I had already become more sensitive, but hormones sure do help it become slightly more public than I would like.  I have found that crying actually makes me feel a lot better though.  If I let it out it's like the stress is literally flowing out of me.  Then I wipe my "stress" onto a tissue and throw it away.

5. Let's address body image for a second.  I know I have been really lucky.  I have had very little swelling, most of my weight gain has been in the belly where baby is living, and I really have not been very sick since my first trimester.  However, my body has definitely changed.  I have spent much of the last several years as an athlete.  I'm used to having a lean, thin, and overall pretty muscular body.  It's been really tough dealing with how weak I feel all the time.  I hate the ugly stretch marks I have been rubbing lotion all over every day so they will fade faster.  I hate how my buns and thighs get that "cottage cheese" look when I am in certain positions because my muscle has gone all soft and squishy.  I really hate how my skin has erupted in blemishes too. I definitely remember my skin getting much less zitty when the weather warms up and the sun comes out in past years.  Not this time.  

However, I can get past all of these things because I am successfully carrying my son.  I love him with all of my heart even though I have never even laid eyes on his face.  Whenever I feel him move I am filled with joy, because he is alive and one little jab closer to delivery day.  Besides, when he is in my arms I will be jabbing him back all the time.  I don't know how I'll be able to stop touching his tiny hands and feet or stroking his cheeks when he's born!  Let's just say, I am about to be the happiest woman in the world.  

Never Been So Tired in my Life

Today has been one of those pregnant roller coasters.  I think I might be getting sick, but if not then I still feel really ill.  My legs ache my head, nose, and throat feel weird.  Plus I am super tired (even more than usual).  I tried to give myself a pep talk earlier that didn't work out so well.  If someone listened to my thoughts they probably would have sounded something like this:
"Don't worry, girl, you've only got about 8 weeks left until you have a baby and start feeling a little better.  Well, actually only like 7 and a half.  Hey, 6 weeks at most if he comes a little early.  That's only between like 42-53 more days!  Unless you are overdue.  Then it could be like 10 weeks.  Then you'll feel like this for ten whole weeks.  Crap.  I can't do it that long.  I feel like I'm dying. TeN mOrE wEeKs?!?! Ahhhh!!!"

Let's just say the pep talk wasn't working out so well. I just have to settle with not thinking about how much I have left to go and focus on resting my tired body. I think I will go take a bath now.

My Growing Baby Bump

This morning my husband was teasing me about something I said a few weeks ago.  I had told him that I didn't understand why pregnant women complained about the constant jabbing and poking they felt like it hurt a ton.  Boy, am I eating my words now.  I find myself  walking somewhere when all of the sudden some baby extremity gets shoved up to the front of my already stretched belly.  I gasp, sort of tilt myself to that side and rub that spot with my hand, trying to get the little guy to loosen his grip a little.  Hello 31 weeks pregnant! According to the book I am reading (What to Expect When Expecting), he is approximately 18 inches long by now from head to foot with a weight of at least three pounds. No wonder those kicks are getting stronger.

Don't get me wrong, I really don't mind all the pokes and jabs. Every time I feel him move in me, I know he is alive and getting stronger.  It is the most comforting kind of discomfort I have ever experienced.  I am taking a pregnancy class right now in school and a week ago the topic of miscarriage came up.  There were stories of losing babies at nearly every stage of development, including at the very end of pregnancy when everything had gone well so far.  I can't imagine the pain of carrying a baby for as long as I have, or longer (or even shorter periods of time for that matter), and losing them.  By now my brain is filled with baby thoughts.  What he will look like, what it will feel like to finally have him in my arms, my reaction to the first time I see him smile, reading to him, taking him to the store or on walks.  I could go on forever, but I will save everyone the long blog post.

The hardest thing lately has been how exhausted I am all the time.  I could spend the whole day on the couch and still feel as if I ran a marathon by the end of the day.  This says a lot, because I actually have run a marathon and I have never been so tired in my life... Well, at least until now, because I am running a 40-week-long marathon.  Growing a baby is harder work than I ever expected it to be.

Lucky for me, I have a sweet husband.  He doesn't hate me if I couldn't get the apartment spotless by the time he is home from work, because he can look at my face and know I have been tired all day.  He sees me trying to move (which requires a lot more grunting than it did before) and knows that it is getting harder for me.  Last night I said something along the lines of, "I hate being so tired all the time."  He looked me in the face and said, "Don't ever regret carrying my baby! I'm so happy you are carrying my baby."  I have decided that he is right.  Despite how tired I am I try to do as much as I can still.  If anything, it helps me sleep a lot better through the night.  God really did give us the power of procreation because he loves us.  I cannot think of any experience I have ever had in my life where I felt closer to Heaven than being pregnant.

My Tooth and Something Sticky: An Unexpected Encounter (Plus a Rant About Money)

So last night I was munching on some Jello Popcorn.  For those who don't know what that is or think it sounds gross, it is basically candy-coated popcorn.  You simply mix some butter, sugar, corn syrup, and a package of Jello mix, boil it for a minute and pour it over popcorn.  Then you stir it up and let it cool and wah la! You have a delicious, unhealthy snack.

 Anyways, I was munching on some of this strawberry amazing-ness and listening to my husband tell me a story when all of the sudden my tongue was being poked.  Thinking I had sticky popcorn kernel residue in my teeth I attempted to dislodge it with my tongue only to discover there was nothing there.  And by nothing I mean there was a gaping hole in my bottom left molar.  I ran to the bathroom and pulled back my cheek.  To my horror, I was right.  An old filling had been popped right out of my tooth by that sticky yummy stuff! There was a huge gap right in the side of my poor tooth.

Here is the lucky part about this whole thing:  I am not in pain.  If it had been a deeper filling I probably would have spent the next 24 hours crying, because it was Sunday and dentist offices aren't usually open Sundays (especially in Rexburg, Mormon town).  Plus, I am limited on what pain medications I could take since I'm pregnant. No ibuprofen! I still wanted to cry though.  Not because of the hole in my tooth.  It's in the back of my mouth, so no one would be able to see it.  The power steering on our car just went out though, and I lost a job that gave me about ten hours of work a week.  Money is a little tighter until my sweet husband starts working full time in a couple of weeks, and fixing a tooth is expensive.  Explain this logic to me: getting one little tooth fixed will cost us about the same as getting our car fixed, which probably weights several hundred pounds. I just don't get it, although if I was a dentist, I would probably charge that much too.  They have to pay off dental school somehow, don't they? I will consider it a generous donation that slightly murders my wallet.

On the upside, I have a wonderful husband that calms me down and tells me I am worth the money of getting my tooth fixed.  I really don't know what I would do without him.  I don't think he even knows 80% of the things he does to make me feel about ten-times better than I would have without him there.  On an entirely different topic from teeth, but on the note of money, I was thinking about how finances is one of the things studies say can tear a marriage to shreds.  I haven't been married for very long, but I can see why it is such a big problem for so many people.  I have learned though, that if you don't blame a tight budget on your spouse and recognize where they are trying hard, it makes everything better and allows you to love them even more instead of getting angry.  I am the one who got laid off recently, but my husband has never blamed me for it.  In fact, I think he was happy, because now I am home when he gets off work.  I am happier because I have more time to reach my own goals such as doing more artwork (to sell once I have made enough of it), playing my flute again, cleaning the apartment so it's not trashed every time we get home. I've also noticed that on days when I am exhausted from trying to work my other jobs he feels guilty that I have to work at all.  I honestly think he would be happy if I could stay at home with the baby and keep the house clean and paint.  I certainly would love that! Sometimes he apologizes to me that I have to work.  That really surprised me, because my first thought it usually, "Holy cow, I should be doing so much more than I am doing to help our finances."  I really am blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life.

Well, I Have Some News

So, I realize it has been a very long time since I have written in this blog, and most of the reason is because I have been keeping a secret.  Anyone who knows me very well knows that I am horrible at keeping secrets when it is my own to tell.  So this is a post meant to fill in the stories of the last couple of months that have kept my mind very occupied.  You see, my husband and I are expecting a baby this July!  And, let me tell you (especially if you have never been pregnant before), pregnancy fills your whole brain, kicking out many other things in life.  It doesn't happen on purpose, and I expect it differs between people.  However in my case it has been hard to focus on things such as school, or work, or writing in a blog when your mind is filled with a constant stream of thoughts such as, "Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up," or "Every smell around me is disgusting and it is making me want to throw up," or "I feel extremely weird right now and part of me wants to cry, but I'm not really sure why."  Have you ever heard of that show, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant?"  Well, I have no idea how you can miss it.  Strange things happen to you when those extra hormones get pumped into your system.  Here are a few stories from the beginning of my pregnancy:

My first lesson about morning sickness is that in my case it lasted not just in the morning.  It was morning, afternoon, evening, night sickness.  Basically I always felt horrible.  By now I have learned that when you are morning sick you absolutely cannot treat the nausea the way you treat stomach flu.  And by this I mean you need to keep eating and drinking.  No matter how horrible you feel.  The first few weeks of pregnancy I felt nothing worse than a little queasiness.  However, around the end of week six I started feeling worse.  Of course the natural instinct of anyone when they feel like they are going to throw up is to wait for their stomach to calm down before eating anything.  However, after a couple days of eating very little and drinking much less than I should I woke up one morning around 5 am and started throwing up.  After the fourth or fifth time in about three hours I started to feel worried.  I was seriously afraid that I was killing the baby inside of me.  Around noon I had stopped throwing up, but still felt so sick and was in so much pain I felt like I was literally dying.  I asked my husband to take me to the doctor.  I will add that I had to be feeling pretty bad to ask for a doctor, since I get horrible anxiety at doctors offices.  We arrived at the ER where they pumped me with fluids and Zofran (a pregnancy-safe drug for nausea).  When I left I was given a prescription for more Zofran and am happy to say that I need it rarely anymore, although I needed it almost every day at that time just to get food in me.  I have lost about 7 pounds since becoming pregnant and only gained back two.

Another story for you:  I went to my sister's wedding in Utah where my husband and I stayed a couple nights with my brother and sister-in-law.  Kalyn and I had to sleep on a twin-sized air mattress, because that was all my parents had available to us at the time.  After one squished night on that thing, Kalyn suggested we sleep on the couch instead.  I decided we should stay on the mattress, because a couch is not much bigger.  This was a lucky thing, because around 4 am, I woke up for soon-to-be-explained reasons.  Kalyn was stirring and I was feeling very cold.  The more conscious I became, the more I realized that the reason I was cold was that I was also wet.  I reached my hand down and felt my pants.  They were wet.  I could smell the urine.  "Kalyn, I'm wet," I said, because I had no idea what else to say.  "Yeah, I noticed that," he replied.  He never once made me feel embarrassed.  He simply got up with me and helped me clean everything up.  I was worried that I was losing bladder control at 8 weeks, but luckily it hasn't happened again.

Toasted Waffles

A couple days ago me and my husband, Kalyn, were making breakfast together.  While I scrambled up some eggs he took care of toasting some waffles that I had taken out of the freezer (we made mass amounts of waffles a couple weeks ago to freeze so we wouldn't have to make a big mess of the kitchen quite so often).  This is how it turned out:
"Ashley, why did you only get one waffle out for me?"
"That's seriously only one waffle?" I said, looking up from the stove.  "I thought that was two stuck together.  That thing is so thick!"  I did recall trying to fit a bit too much waffle batter into the iron when we first made them.
"It's only one, see?"  He held it up. "I'm going to get another one."
Kalyn microwaved his waffles for a few seconds to soften them, then he walked over next to me to put them in the toaster.  He held the fat waffle over the opening for a moment, sizing it up.  After a moment of thought he proceeded to squish it in.
"Uh... Sweetheart?  I don't think that will fit in there."
"Don't worry, it fits.  See?"
"Yes, but how will you get it out again?"
"Don't you worry.  I'll get it back out."
"In one piece?"
"Of course!"  He grinned at me.
It took less than 15 seconds of toasting before we saw smoke rising out of the toaster.  As I suspected would happen, when Kalyn turned the knob to "Stop" to manually pop the toaster, the chunky waffle stubbornly stuck fast inside the hole.  Kalyn tried to dig it out with a knife, but it was still pretty soft.  It came out crumb by smokey crumb.
"Are you mad at me?" he asked.
"Actually I think it's pretty funny."
When he finally got as much out of the toaster as possible, I toasted my waffles.  It started smoking again, so I looked inside.  There were still little flecks of Kalyn's waffle stuck in the burners and they were burning off with a lot of smelly smoke.  I turned to him and said, "It looks like I get smoked waffles for breakfast this morning!"
I don't think he appreciated that.

Homework of An English Major

I just finished reading the longest story of my life--or rather... listening to it.  I am in three English classes right now and all of them are 300-level classes.  I think it's safe to say that I have a whole lot of reading to do.  On of my teachers told the class about a website called "Librivox.org" where you can listen to any story that is not copyrighted (I believe that's anything written before 1914) as an MP3.  You cannot imagine my joy at this when I looked at the reading for my other American Lit class.  It was a 45-page long story, and this is certainly not Children's Literature class anymore.  There were small print, small margins and not a single picture.  Luckily I was able to listen to the story off of the internet while following along every once in a while.  For a time I got up and made caramel popcorn in order to cheer up my soul as much as is possible while listening to a story about a woman who was captured by Indians and watched their brutality towards many other captives.  After about two and a half hours and the reassurance that the woman survived and was happy again, I felt satisfied and calm.  Then I realized I still have three more classes to do homework for, plus a presentation to prepare in the next two days.  It is so good to be back in school keeping my brain busy!